Allotment Jokes – Christmas 2013


Just for fun – we have put together a compilation of allotment jokes in the build up to Christmas. We hope at least one makes you smile! A new joke will be released each day ….

See our selected Top 10 Allotment Gift Ideas …

Allotment Jokes

1 Day To Go

One carrot to another, on getting soaked sitting outside on the door step …

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this. Why are we left outside in awful weather freezing our toes off?”

“Don’t worry – it’s only Rain-Dear.”


2 Days To Go

Partner to allotmenter in the bedroom …

“Why have you brought your trowel to bed with you?”

“You said I could Weed In Bed.

3 Days To Go

Children to Dad …

“Dad, Mummy says your jokes are awful and they should go in the compost.”


“Dad, can we play on the Wii?”

“Have you played already today?”


“Well no. You know the rules.”

“Oh Dad, please. Let-tuce please… Let-tuce please…”

“Oh – go on then!”

4 Days To Go

Cook to allotmenter …

“We can’t keep the vegetables in the house. They are attracting vermin.”

“Are they?”

“I can prove it. Where are the courgettes that were on the windowsill?”

“They’re gone!”

“Yes. A Rat-Ate-Two-Ey!”

5 Days To Go

Hen keeper distraught at losing his chickens to foxes, talks to a friend…

“I just can’t understand how they jumped over a ten foot fence.”

“Did you plant cabbages near by?”


“Were they spring greens?”


6 Days To Go

Allotmenter to husband …

“The slugs have eaten all the lettuce.”

“C’est la vie.”

“No – they were left untouched.”

7 Days To Go

One pea to another …

“I’m drowning!”

“Looks like we are in the soup!”

8 Days To Go

“What vegetable can play the drums?”

“A beet-root.”

9 Days To Go

Partner to allotmenter after a night out…

“What are we going to do? The taxi rank is empty?”

“No worries. One of my cab-ages can pick us up.”


10 Days To Go

“Oi! Strawberries. Show me your fruit!”

The RudeBarb was always causing trouble on the allotment…

11 Days To Go

Wife to allotmenter …

“Still limping?”


12 Days To Go

Wife to allotmenter …

“Why are you limping?”

“The pot-ate-toe.”

13 Days To Go

One radish talking to another …

“I went to see a play last night.”

“Was it good?”

“The script was filthy – but I liked it!”

“Who wrote it?”

“The Rude-Bard!”

14 Days To Go

What fruit can fly?

A Goose-Berry

15 Days To Go

Two runner beans meet at a bar …

“Hi, I’m Scarlet”

“Hi,I’m Painted Lady.”

Soon they are entwined in each others arms. Their owner comes in and sees them.

“Wow!” he says,

“You two go so well together. How about I help you escalope together? I’m sure the garlic and olive oil will help you…”

16 Days To Go

Onion talking with a garlic …

“Who’s that beautiful woman with a powerful sweet smell?”

“Ah, that will be Shallotte.”

17 Days To Go

Owner to tomato …

“Will you dance with me?”

“Of course! But I can only dance salsa.”

18 Days To Go

An onion, a carrot, and a cabbage wave goodbye to their friends.

“Our owner is taking us on his stag do to Poland.” They shout.

“To Warsaw?”

“No. Coleslaw!”

19 Days To Go

A potato is moaning to a cauliflower …

“I’m fed up. I can’t leave the house without people stopping and teasing me. Some people call me Rooney, others call me Ó Briain, but nobody calls me Clara.”

“Have you told your owner?”

“Yes. He says I won’t have to worry about it after Sautéday.”

20 Days To Go

One tangerine said to another …

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this. We’ve got to get out of this stocking.”

They heard a strange voice …

“You will never escape.”

“Who are you to tell us that! If you want to stay in here you must be nuts.”

21 Days To Go

A group of carrots looked shocked and horrified at the body of a baby carrot that had thrown itself off the table and onto the floor.

“Why did he do it. What could he have been thinking of?”

His tearful older brother said …

“I told him about carrot fly.”

22 Days To Go

A mummy runner bean was talking to her adolescent son just before a night out.

“Stay clear of trouble. Always check you have your phone. And don’t go near those boys dressed in orange. They know Car-rot-tee”

23 Days To Go

A beetroot was letting off steam to a tomato…

“I work all day long in an office, nobody thanks me, nobody even acknowledges my work. Then they move me into this basement with not even a window. It’s like a pressure cooker in here.”

“It is!”

24 Days To Go

Two sprouts bump into each other on a night out. One says to the other:

“Why are you looking so happy?”

“My owner says he’s taking me on a hot date, and he says he’ll dress me up.”

“Dress you up?”

“Yes, he said he would top and tail me.”

See our selected Top 10 Allotment Gift Ideas …

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